Why I Chose to Be a Working Mom
As my maternity leave came to a close, I felt an anxiety I’d never felt before. I hadn’t spent more than a few hours away from my son and the thought of handing him over to anyone - even a family member, close friend or trained professional seemed like a ridiculously dangerous idea. Who could replace me for eight hours or so and who could possibly pick up on all the little details that one only learns with time? Who would know to distract him with the ceiling fan on a medium setting while changing his diaper to keep him from squirming? Who knew that if you cradled him in your arms, he would open his mouth wide ready for milk? And of course, how was he going to be guaranteed enough nutritious breast milk, if the direct source of his milk was sequestered away in an office, earning a living?
For the first time in my life, I thoroughly understood why ambitious, intelligent women who have much to offer to the workplace elect to stay at home with their kids. Someone once told me that having children was like having your heart outside of your body, and that you are constantly consumed with desperately protecting it. I was starting to feel the weight of that statement and I didn’t know what to do.
It hadn’t occurred to me not to return to work, until just before it was time to do so, but after some soul-searching, some hand-wringing, much prayer and counsel from friends, I decided that I would be a working mom and here’s why:
I want my son to have an up-close view of a woman working outside the home. If maternity leave taught me anything, it taught me that being home with a child is arguably one of the hardest jobs in the world; it certainly has the highest stakes. Nevertheless, research outlined in the NYT’s “How To Raise a Feminist Son” shows that sons of women who work for any amount of time before age 14 spend more time on housework and child care as adults. It’s extremely important to me that my son understands that both men and women are responsible for managing household responsibilities and fiscal responsibilities. My hope is that what I lose by not being the one to put him down for a nap is balanced by what he gains in attitudes about gender equality.
2. Generational wealth is an important goal for our family. My husband and I, like many Black American families are wealthy in love and health but financially speaking, we are responsible for creating our own destinies. We would like to be able to assist our child (and possibly children) with large expenses like a college education, a down payment on a home, or an investment in a solid business idea once they are adults and this is something that is exponentially more difficult on one income. I once heard a woman proclaim, “I wouldn’t dare leave my child with someone else just so that we can have a bigger house or a second car.” While I understand that (judgy) sentiment, I believe that my life experiences have taught me that with financial resources comes freedom - the freedom to pursue passion versus pragmatism. I didn’t have that freedom, but it is our family’s desire to provide that for our children and hopefully to empower them to do even more for their children as well.
3. My career helps challenge me to be my best self - and my children deserve the best version of me as their mom. Working outside of the home, particularly in the fast-paced field that I do forces me to think critically, exposes me to a broad diversity of people I wouldn’t otherwise encounter, and expands my worldview in a way that ensures I bring home more than the bacon. I bring home new ideas, intel on how the world works, and insights that can supplement their education.
4. I work because well… I want to. I have never loved anyone the way that I love my child. Faith Evans’ popular song lyric “I never knew there was a love like this before” has taken on a whole new meaning since I became a mother. I like to think the love is mutual. When I come home from work and see my son, he literally squeals with joy and attempts to jump out of the hands of whoever is holding him. But I love solving problems in the workplace and spending time with colleagues and clients. I want my child(ren) to know that life is about more than pursuing what they have to do; it is also about doing what makes them happy and fulfilling their purpose in life, even if it means that there are trade-offs.
And there are trade-offs. While our family has decided that having two working parents makes the most sense for us, there are things that we miss out on. It is likely that at some point, our child will reach a milestone while both of his parents are away at work. I may not be the one to comfort my son after his first skinned knee. This is tough, but we have resigned ourselves to being happy with possibly catching the third or fourth step versus the first one and allowing someone else to play a major role in raising our children. Another trade-off is that we simply won’t get back the time that we missed. All too quickly, our son will be a teenager and then hopefully, an independent adult and we’ll long for the days when we could rock him in our arms. As parents who work, we will likely have less of those memories to fall back on.
Every family is different and no configuration is one size fits all. Every family has to consider their individual goals, budgets, and needs before determining if both parents should work outside of the home. I am encouraged to see that as family dynamics progress and change, this generation is seeing more and more men who elect to be stay-at-home dads. This seems like evidence that families are making choices that fit versus ones that follow a traditional path. I am grateful to have the option and salute all mothers’ choice to do what works for their household. For us, that means I go to work by day and enjoy snuggles at night.