I know I haven't blogged in quite some time. Please forgive me, but I'm a full time student who also works full time. When I do get a free moment, I usually end up rewatching episodes of Girls trying to catch up on some reading. Nevertheless, you people have inspired me. You people, yes... you, the American people have inspired me to issue an important memo about things we all do that we all hate. Sometimes you don't realize that these things are annoying until it's your birthday and no one wants to come to your party. (But you can cry if you want to; I would cry too if it happened to me).
1. You say "I don't really watch TV." A few months ago, the morning after the Oscars, I asked a friend what he thought about Seth McFarlane's performance.
Me: Seth McFarlane... the host of the Oscars, did you watch it?
Him: Nah, was that last night or something?
Me: ... Yeah, a few miles away from here...
Him: Oh... cool. Who's that?
Me:... uh... Oscar?
Him: Seth Mc--- what'd you say?
Me: Seth McFarlane, the creator of Family Guy.
Him: Oh... Family Guy. I think I've heard of that. Never seen it. I don't really watch TV.
You lying, B. Mind you, I happen to know he has a television large enough to produce a life-size image of Shaq. I'm not buying it. Especially not from someone whose voicemail says: "I'm probably doing yoga now, but I'll call you back when I'm done. Don't text me; that's impersonal. Namaste." This is all part of your act.
2. You have an email signature too long to make it onto Twitter. I know you want to end every email with an opportunity for people to connect to you via every social network possible and see all of your titles, and to also be moved to tears by a Bible verse or quote you've charmingly added to the end. Also, you know that to get this message across effectively, you believe it needs to be in your favorite cursive font in your favorite color with your family logo. Nah, bruh. I've asked around done research and the results came back: 100% of the respondents would rather you shorten your email signature to two lines. Do you think Barack Obama's signature looks like:
Barack H. Obama, President of the United States of America
Father, Husband, Community Organizer, Mover & Shaker, Non-Authorizer-of-the-Carters'-Trip-to-Cuba
Connect with me! Facebook / Twitter / Instagram / Pinterest /Tumblr
Let's chat here too!
United States Website / Donate / White House Facebook / White House Twitter / White House Photos / Gun Control Now! / RSVP to the Next State Dinner
My chick bad, my chick hood; my chick do stuff that yo' chick wish she could. - Christopher Bridges
3. You complain about things that aren't really problems, e.g. "Girl I am just getting so tired of having to get my hair trimmed. It's like every month, there's another three inches!" Usually this is said to a poor soul with damaged ends whose hair hasn't grown an inch in a year. Cut it out.
4. You plan a week-long birthday extravaganza with mandatory events. Everyone on the planet has a birthday. EVERYONE. There are 52 weeks in the year, and the average person probably has at least 7 or 8 friends who they are close enough to where it is a requirement that they do something for that person's birthday. So what if they all had weeklong parties/dinners/happy hours/skating events/fundraising/community service that they required you do? You'd spend two months celebrating birthdays, and that's not even including your own. Ain't nobody got time for dat! Except for the milestones (like the big 3 - 0), one dinner where we all awkwardly split a large check at The Cheesecake Factory should suffice. (And if people can't make it, stop giving them a hard time.)
If you've done one of these things, don't feel bad: you're in company with just about EVERYONE. Very few people have been cool enough to skip all of these habits. (I've been guilty of #1 and #3). But the more you know... the more you can stop annoying us all.
Any randomly annoying things you or your friends do that you want to add to this petition? Let me know!